the shivering blaze.

I am up in Haida Gwaii for the week with family, immersing myself in the wildness and fantastical beauty of this place. I have much to write and will do so more tomorrow, but wanted to post this for now, for this poem has been on my mind all day. 

There is an intensity to the nature of these islands that causes me to pause. Within this pause seems to be a demand that I stop quietly for a moment and really think about what it is life is all about, and whether the answer to that is exactly what I am doing and striving for. Perhaps it is the trees, these gigantic Sitka Spruce and Cedar, or perhaps it is the ancient, untamed quality of the landscape as a whole, but it makes me feel shook up like San Francisco does. It makes me question and reassess, something I do so love to do, but then at the same time it also makes me want to connect and root down, something which San Francisco has never (and likely will never..) offer. 

 I'm certainly not what anyone would consider a complacent person, and yet I look at myself and wonder whether I have been dragging through things where I could have been flying; where I have been accepting my utilitarian nature and the predictable cycles of my days and existence whilst losing connection to the awesome reality of life. I wonder where I have not been living fully, and what more I can give and understand and engage with in the little bit of time I have to contribute. 

All of our days become complacent and mundane in the thick of things, and we are 'raised to the rank of prince' without really striving or questioning or pushing ourselves because our social and familial commitments often demand it. We find our success in material gains and a kind of spiritual complacency, and then we mistake this complacency and ease for progress or revelation. Perhaps it is just a quality of the human soul to seek predictability and ease, but is it really what we're all here to find? 

But then in spiritual arrogance and 'materialism' of a different kind we also often seek ease. We seek enlightenment and oneness, assuming that this place of perspective and being will alleviate us of our human pains and sorrow; that somehow there is somewhere or some state of something that could possibly take away our humanity, and that we don't have to fully engage with what is going on for us in this place either. 

This place reminds me that I am going to meet life directly, every day, and want nothing more than the shivering blaze of every step up. I want the darkness of my falls, I want to see faces and hear sounds and taste all of life. I want it all.