Yesterday something happened in my whole being, something massive changed.
After the stress of a few days of no sleep and intense emotional unrest, and feeling absolutely victimized by my life experience, I had this holy shit moment while (not paying very good attention) in a work meeting, and this insane and phenomenal lightness came over me. While it was something that happened in my mind and thoughts, yes, the lightness was not a new thought entering my psyche, per say, but the graceful and willing release of one (or many) that had been so weighing my heart and being down.
It was a momentous active choosing of a new set of thoughts that made me feel good, instead of the rather relentless and fear-based obsession I have had with other not-so-good-feeling thoughts lately. It was engaging with my power to fully determine my life experience from a place of self (and extended) love, gently accepting and contacting reality without expectation or contraction in my heart. It was magic.
I haven't had quite enough caffeine to write out the whole story of how and why this occurred, but suffice to say it was the active and empowered choice to write a different story for myself that did it. To see my experience and my pain as they are right now, and to ask myself with honesty and compassion whether or not I would like to continue feeling and thinking that way; whether those choices were in fact making my life better or worse.
And they were making it worse. And so I stopped.
One thing that I will suggest that had an immense effect on this process--I did it the night before, and then allowed myself some time to really ruminate on what it meant--was a session of "The Work' by Byron Katie. It's something that seems so deceptively simple at first (at least for me), but allows you to really see your thoughts and the effects they're having on your life fully, and then offers a clear possibility of a new way of thinking without judgement or blame or guilt for where you've been existing mentally up until that point. If you have not done any of this work before, I would highly suggest it. Please. The world would be a better place if more of us engaged with this ability to determine our thoughts.
I alone am responsible for my needs, for my thoughts, for my choices and the entirety of my experience. I alone determine how and what things occur throughout the sometime arduous but achingly beautiful process of my life, and I alone choose the appropriate emotional response to all that is good, bad, up, down, sideways, heartbreaking, fantastic or fantastically maddening that crosses my path. I alone write my story. This is my truth.