can you trust that much?

I had a very beautiful weekend. Lovely people to visit with, family times, quiet art times, all good times. I feel very much at peace with life at the moment, and it's a wonderful feeling.

I would argue that the peace I'm feeling at the moment--even as particular things in my life have ended or fallen away recently, or have become rather too stressful to bear any longer--comes not from some sense of immediate surety in the situation I'm existing, however.

I'm not peaceful because I can see and experience in this moment that things are going to work out as I would like them to in my life at large, because in many ways things are very much not in alignment with my future goals or desires at all.

I can have peace in this moment, however, all the same because I trust that they will work out. I feel at ease with my life experience and everything that has happened to me (or will happen to me) because I know that there is a benevolent process at hand in the universe I exist in, and all things are leading me only to greater possibility, even if the end product or situation isn't at all what I imagined it would look like. I know that life has my best interest in mind, and I am learning what I need to learn.

I have been grappling, however, in the last while, with the idea of seeking surety and the experience of losing this faith from time to time, as we tend to want this--the assurance of permanence-- more than anything when it comes to our relationships, and given the unsure nature of my recent romantic escapades it brought all my concerns and fears of safety in a relationship right to the forefront. All the better place to see them, of course..

I was seeking surety in this relationship, and not just of the interaction between two people itself, but of my worth and deserving when it comes to love. Of course we all know as I do, deep down, that there is no surety to be found in the outside world or the people of it and how they will treat you, and yet we spend so much of our time and minds seeking it. We know that no other person should hold the keys to our happiness or sanity, and yet--like children--we still desire that.

And we do this precisely because we are still acting out our childhood wounds when this happens.

When we are children we will seek a confirmation of safety and worth from our parents and the world we live within, and if this is supplied appropriately we can then stand on our own solid ground and know ourselves to be strong enough to deal with what presents itself to us. If we don't get what we needed as children (as most of us didn't, and through no 'fault' of our parents but as a product of our highly dysfunctional and unaware societal norms) we continue into adulthood trying to find that person or situation that will give us trust and meaning, rather than creating our own. We furiously seek (but then generally push away, cause we're lovely and neurotic like that) that person or situation that will finally tell us and show us just how perfect and deserving we are, and will take away all the pain of not receiving that earlier in life.

And yet, this can never be. No person--not even your parents--can be fully responsible for fulfilling and confirming your sense of worth or an abiding sensation of trust in your life process. Noone but you can do that, and the more we all try to get something or someone out there to fill that stuff in for us, the more of a mess we will experience. We become adults not when we have figured everything out so firmly that there is no possibility of anything changing (saying to ourselves: they will continue to love us, we will continue to look like this, we will continue to have this job, etc..), but when we fortify and live from that internally-derived strength that is ours alone, emancipating us from the wounds of our unfulfilled (and yet perfect) childhood and allowing us to release our incessant search for solidity in exchange for an open-hearted and meaningful trust-based life experience.

This is so very hard to do, but is the essence of becoming an adult. If we are truly self aware and recognize that we alone define our experience, we no longer seek surety and safety in the outside world, but utilize our own strength to traverse the 'vicissitudes' of the human experience with grace. This doesn't mean we are completely passive nor void of emotional response to situations, but that the purpose of our relationships and whole experience is not this seeking of safety, but of greater expansion of possibility in our personal evolution and understanding of the world; we are not validated by the world, we are born through it.