I feel quite uncomfortable this morning. I woke up with an intense headache (even after one of the best sleeps I've had in months), and generally feel so very tired that I am contemplating going back to bed for a bit. Perhaps it's the snow and the grey that has descended upon this place, or perhaps it is…something else.
I have an inkling to what that something else is. And I'm pretty sure that it's not just 'something else', but is, in fact, exactly what I am trying to avoid in this situation and moment, cause it's so unpleasant. Through either going to bed or checking what's in my fridge again, or maybe drinking some more coffee or going on Facebook I can see if I can avoid it for a bit, but I know it's still going to be there, stalking me relentlessly.
I'm freaking sad, dammit. Really sad. And then really angry and frustrated as well, and all I want in the world (despite knowing better) is to avoid that sadness by focusing somewhere else, or by occupying my oh-so-easily distracted little brain with shiny things or consumption of some form, anything at all so that I don't have to sit with this and really go into it. Cause it hurts, dammit. I am feeling quite blown wide open in this moment, vulnerable in a way that is both beautiful and baffling, and yet, at this exact moment, it is the baffling part that is getting the better of me.
However, I made a commitment to myself many years ago to not avoid my pain or my discomfort, nor try to get rid of it through various means (which, of course never really succeeds in 'getting rid' of it, but only suppresses it further so that I'll have to deal with more situations colored by that energetic basis in the future). I am absolutely going to use this situation and experience for the betterment of my whole being and the evolution of my consciousness, and I know that whatever mode of numbing out I might choose in order to avoid this reality will only serve to delay the inevitable processing that is required. There is no way that I can push this experience out of my being completely through any tactic of avoidance, and so for the sake of my future self and sanity, I'm sitting with it, right now.
I do so very very badly want to blame someone right now though. To become indignant at what they have done or not done or could have done, or to get back on my ever-present high horse and rattle off all the reasons why I am right and justified in my behavior, and they are wrong. I want to find some solidity and security in this by hurting someone else. Yes, yes…that will help, won't it? Surely it will appease the malicious demons that are bouncing around in my heart right now?
Or perhaps I should sit here and belittle myself for a while, cause that's what I was doing about an hour ago. Go through all the reasons why I am a shitty human and can't seem to get my stuff together, and take the opposite direction in my avoidance of truth so that I might grind myself into the dirt and flog my spirit for all the wrong doings I have done. Yes, yes…that will help, won't it? Surely I deserve this kind of recrimination when my life keeps going south in such a manner? Surely it is all my fault.
But, no. I will do neither of those things. I will choose, like a mindful adult (making a choice that I will have to work at every single day for the rest of my life, no matter what level of spiritual awakening I think I achieve) to sit here, right here, right in the middle of this muck, and feel it fully without pushing away or cutting down or numbing out. I will allow myself to see just how strong I really am in the presence of pain and discomfort because I know that I can traverse this challenge with dignity, both to self and others. I will meditate and find quiet so that I can speak kindly to those ego voices in my head, both the ones that want to blame others and those who are set on damning myself. I will stay present to the ache of loss and disgrace, and I will find the wisdom within.
(Damn you, Pema. Always so spot on…)