Okay, so this time I'm really here to write. This is it. This is the day. Right here and now I am committed to the process of translating some of the crazy lessons and developments that have happened in the last while into pixels, despite how overwhelming that might seem at the moment. Given that I don't actually have to be at work today and there's a bit of space in my mental activity, it's time I did this.
But, gah….where to start? I am still, every single day, blown away by what it is I'm learning (and even have yet to realize I'm learning, I think), and how these perspectives and understandings are changing my entire life experience. It's like my whole world has been painted a different color, and everywhere I look I'm blown away by the presence and influence of this new hue. Who knew a new hue could do such a thing, huh? The world is a profoundly different place (and I am a cunning linguist).
Maybe some bullet points are the way to go. I'm going to be working on this for a while, but this is what I'm going to start with:
(as a precursor to all further explorations and lamentations, please know that I have been going through a most challenging, wonderful and insanely complicated relationship experience, and this is a large source of the lessons learnt. I am also developing my own individual experience of connection to spirit in the absence of teachings from others, though we all know that love trumps everything else when it comes to life. At least in the immediate.)
1. Boundaries are a good thing.
I have classically followed a very (VERY) buddhist/self-sabotage practice in most of my relationships in the past, convincing myself that my ability to lay down and take someone else's stuff was indicative not of my own low self-esteem and sense of deserving, but of my capacity as a healer and reflective of being a deeply compassionate human being. However, I am here to tell you today that this is horseshit, and not at all the way things should be.
Me allowing people to do things that hurt me and constantly creating justification for them (even if they themselves are not even owning up to what they've been up to) is not being a healer, nor is it an enlightened manner of operating in a relationship. Yes, I must take responsibility for not responding to their choices and actions with egoic wounds and reaction of my own accord, but when it comes down to someone just really not thinking about how things are affecting my well-being, that's not okay. I am not a door mat, and nor should anyone else be. In reality, by choosing to stay as a doormat and rather insidiously lose my sense of self worth I am serving my own fear of being left or unloved in that circumstance, not their development at all (even as I may convince myself I'm sticking around to serve them and help them work through things). I don't want to deal with the possibility that me standing up for myself will result in them walking away, and so I pander and diminish myself in a feeble attempt to not call them on their shit. I'm quite through with doing this, and am so very happy for the slap in the face to see what constitutes 'healing' and what is just…fear.
2. Judgement hurts everyone.
Humans are immensely complicated, and yet at the root of all of us--in our heart of hearts--we are all bumbling through life attempting to find more love. That's the bottom line. I know this for certain: we just want to feel like we belong, and are appreciated.
And yet many of us (most of us) go about this getting of more love in such insane ways that it's hard not to look at people with a constant replay of 'WTF' as their theme song , for their actions seem so completely out of line with getting more love, and much more in line with having the world confirm their right to be loveless. We're a backwards and silly sort of species.
However, when people do nasty or thoughtless things that would appear, by all accounts, to be aimed at hurting you, they really are just acting from that place of wanting more love and acceptance but having a really rough go figuring out how to do that with awareness. You (and by you I mean ME in this situation..) judging them for their rather insane way of functioning is certainly not going to help them move beyond that place, and nor is it going to bring anything but more judgement and dysfunction to your experience (also MY experience). We can only receive what we give out, and even when we may feel justified in judging the insanity lived out by other people, it is never, ever appropriate.
3. There is no end goal, and the beginner's mind is the most important perspective to hold always.
At this repetition in my three year cycle (the last experience of which I was gifted with Lyme disease and a kick in the ass in order to try and push me out of being spiritually arrogant way back then), I am confronted with once again needing to remember my place as student. Not that I assume that I know anything at all, quite honestly, but that in taking on the role of 'instructor in the courses and work I've been doing, there's this not-so-subtle pressure to project an image of 'got-my-shit-figured' in order to be taken seriously, or to be acknowledged at all.
And yet I know from my own personal experience that the teachers I resonate with are those who declare their humanity to be both the most challenging and wondrous part of their experience, aiming not to 'get over' their so-called flaws and dysfunctions (reaching, one would assume, some higher state of being where the flow of life has little to no affect on their overall experience), but to understand and open themselves up more; to continually be blown apart and put back together by the years and the process.
I have had several large spiritual revelations in the last five years, and each time I encountered this part of my ego that wants to say 'NOW we've got it figured out. NOW everything is going to be super fantastic forever and ever, and there will be no issue or challenge to deal with every again.". And each time I was wrong, and proven so by the occurrences of my life shortly after.
Yes, these occurrences no longer shove me so far from center that I lose touch of my knowing and trust in the universe--and for that I am eternally grateful and blessed--but they do happen. And they will continue to happen. So long as I am a human being on this planet I will have disagreements, illness, stress, relationship challenges, and on and on. It is not the stopping of things and experiences that is the focus here, but the internalization of awareness and increasing fearlessness when it comes to life and all it throws at me; the ability to potentially ride (and enjoy) increasingly more challenging and rewarding storms.
Because, you know, if everything was just done from now on; if there were no more lessons or chaos to work through, what would be the point of being here? Why would you want to be a human being if it was just heaven forever? It is only through the experience of intensity that we are able to follow that organizing principle of the universe and move towards greater complexity and self awareness. These lessons are essential and wonderful, and without them we would all be bored.
Whoa. I just typed way more than I thought, so am going to stop here for now. I suppose I'll give this a read through in a bit to see if it makes any sense, but for right now I hope you enjoy just the start of this exploration for me. I am so incredibly grateful for everything and everyone that is occurring in my life right now, and even so (or especially so) for those that challenge and disrupt me, for I do have ultimate faith that what I am being gifted is exactly what I need to become more loving, more kind and more insightful, and will never be given more than I am able to handle with grace.
…I just have to remember where I put that grace sometimes…